Just saw and "Affair to Remember" for the first time. Lead to a deep discussion. Am I wrong for accepting that limitations of a man who claims to love you? Am I wrong to accept that he could leave you if you become disabled? Am I wrong for giving him the option before he asks for it or worse... hurts you even more by cheating on you while you're sick/hurt?
When I was temporarily disabled many years ago, my ex husband... and yes, from the day I became disabled until we divorced, he began to die to me... just as he had thought I had to him... but anyway, when I became disabled, my ex-husband, stayed. Okay he stayed but refused to look at me, touch me... in the light, take me out in the day, and care for me.
Thankfully I had my children who were adolescent at the time, who only saw that they mother - who they loved dearly - had been hurt very badly and needed their care. Only a close friend - female - could see me beyond my disfigurations and stand by me, laugh with me, cry with me, over what I had lost when that kitchen explosion took 3 layers of skin off my face from the shoulders up.
Pictures were taken and I look at them every time I run across them. I stare at them and count all my blessings since that day.
But anyway, back to 'him'. There were so many things I had already started to dislike about him. As a matter of fact we were arguing when I was burned, thus my divided attention of the pressure cooker that exploded in my face, taking off the skin (1st, 2nd, and 3rd degree) and leaving me temporarily blind (with burnt corneas - thus the need for glasses BIG TIME) in both eyes, with burnt lungs and 2 inches of my hairline, gone. Anyway, I already wasn't 'fond' of him, but after the burn, I remember thinking, what a good time for you to leave. This would be so excusable. Just go!
But oddly enough he stayed and now I know why. It just made it easier. It made it easier for him to be the half a man he was. It made it easy to 'not try', I mean surely... with an 'ugly wife' that 'nobody' would ever want... what is the worry right?
Wrong, although we stayed together 'miserably' for 3 more years - and another major accident that again, disfigured my face (I know... just call me accident prone) my spirit just grew stronger and the inner Michelle reconnected with the outer Michelle.
Without my looks, it was easier to concentrate on the woman I was inside. I began to write again, and returned to school. Despite his constant put downs that eventually lost me the respect of my children - I inwardly grew. I became more confident although I felt ugly on the outside. It was like, although I felt that no man would ever want me again, I felt beautiful.
Now I won't lie and say that I was always above insecurities, my friends reading this will attest to having to do their job (picking Michelle up from her knees) more than once but overall, all who know me would have to admit that I'm a better me than I ever was back then.
Had I to do that again, I would insist that he leave. If I got hurt again, I would insist at the first sign of teetering that he simply leave my sight and NEVER return, even before I knew my prognosis.
I was told then, I would scar - badly - but I didn't. I scarred so lightly only those that know me can see it. The second accident actually left me more scarred than the burns - but with that one, I broke stuff - but anyway... the point being most of the scars were deeper than the flesh - and maybe I'm still a little scarred inside.
But I like to say those scars thickened and because a shield that I carry around with me. It's a shield that says, if you can't love the Michelle that's outside - you sure can't love the Michelle that's inside... not at all.
I think it's that attitude that makes me beautiful. I think it's that attitude that makes me strong.
At the end of that movie, she says "If you can paint, I can walk" but he didn't say, and you can't walk, I'll still love you. Yes it was a romance and so all those tears and kisses implied such, but still, he didn't say it and so it left me wondering. Never once did he say "oh Darling" -- you know how they used to start sentences in Hollywood back then "Oh Darling, even if you never walk, I love you with all my heart!" He didn’t say that....
I just have to say that in my heart, I excuse the man who can't man up to a disabled partner. I mean "you're not trained" right? I didn't say I applaud or admire. I said, I excuse... weakness is what weakness does and I'd rather have you out of my life than in... kinda like a fart... there's more room OUT than IN. So leave... leave now... RUN... before you hurt me. Leave BEFORE my morphine wears off... and don't come back.
