Janelle Monáe - Tightrope [feat. Big Boi] (Video)

An affair to remember / forget

Just saw and "Affair to Remember" for the first time. Lead to a deep discussion. Am I wrong for accepting that limitations of a man who claims to love you? Am I wrong to accept that he could leave you if you become disabled? Am I wrong for giving him the option before he asks for it or worse... hurts you even more by cheating on you while you're sick/hurt?

When I was temporarily disabled many years ago, my ex husband... and yes, from the day I became disabled until we divorced, he began to die to me... just as he had thought I had to him... but anyway, when I became disabled, my ex-husband, stayed. Okay he stayed but refused to look at me, touch me... in the light, take me out in the day, and care for me.

Thankfully I had my children who were adolescent at the time, who only saw that they mother - who they loved dearly - had been hurt very badly and needed their care. Only a close friend - female - could see me beyond my disfigurations and stand by me, laugh with me, cry with me, over what I had lost when that kitchen explosion took 3 layers of skin off my face from the shoulders up. 

Pictures were taken and I look at them every time I run across them. I stare at them and count all my blessings since that day. 

But anyway, back to 'him'. There were so many things I had already started to dislike about him. As a matter of fact we were arguing when I was burned, thus my divided attention of the pressure cooker that exploded in my face, taking off the skin (1st, 2nd, and 3rd degree) and leaving me temporarily blind (with burnt corneas - thus the need for glasses BIG TIME) in both eyes, with burnt lungs and 2 inches of my hairline, gone. Anyway, I already wasn't 'fond' of him, but after the burn, I remember thinking, what a good time for you to leave. This would be so excusable. Just go! 

But oddly enough he stayed and now I know why. It just made it easier. It made it easier for him to be the half a man he was. It made it easy to 'not try', I mean surely... with an 'ugly wife' that 'nobody' would ever want... what is the worry right?

Wrong, although we stayed together 'miserably' for 3 more years - and another major accident that again, disfigured my face (I know... just call me accident prone) my spirit just grew stronger and the inner Michelle reconnected with the outer Michelle.

Without my looks, it was easier to concentrate on the woman I was inside. I began to write again, and returned to school. Despite his constant put downs that eventually lost me the respect of my children - I inwardly grew. I became more confident although I felt ugly on the outside. It was like, although I felt that no man would ever want me again, I felt beautiful. 

Now I won't lie and say that I was always above insecurities, my friends reading this will attest to having to do their job (picking Michelle up from her knees) more than once but overall, all who know me would have to admit that I'm a better me than I ever was back then. 

Had I to do that again, I would insist that he leave. If I got hurt again, I would insist at the first sign of teetering that he simply leave my sight and NEVER return, even before I knew my prognosis. 

I was told then, I would scar - badly - but I didn't. I scarred so lightly only those that know me can see it. The second accident actually left me more scarred than the burns - but with that one, I broke stuff - but anyway... the point being most of the scars were deeper than the flesh - and maybe I'm still a little scarred inside. 

But I like to say those scars thickened and because a shield that I carry around with me. It's a shield that says, if you can't love the Michelle that's outside - you sure can't love the Michelle that's inside... not at all.

I think it's that attitude that makes me beautiful. I think it's that attitude that makes me strong.

At the end of that movie, she says "If you can paint, I can walk" but he didn't say, and you can't walk, I'll still love you. Yes it was a romance and so all those tears and kisses implied such, but still, he didn't say it and so it left me wondering. Never once did he say "oh Darling" -- you know how they used to start sentences in Hollywood back then "Oh Darling, even if you never walk, I love you with all my heart!" He didn’t say that....

I just have to say that in my heart, I excuse the man who can't man up to a disabled partner. I mean "you're not trained" right? I didn't say I applaud or admire. I said, I excuse... weakness is what weakness does and I'd rather have you out of my life than in... kinda like a fart... there's more room OUT than IN. So leave... leave now... RUN... before you hurt me. Leave BEFORE my morphine wears off... and don't come back. 

My Thoughts and other things that make me go Hmmmm

In my opinion, being sad or concerned about one’s life should not be considered a mental illness or an absence of faith all the time. Why can’t we as adults just accept that not every day is going to be bright and cheery? I mean, think about it, we can’t pay our bills, we can’t afford gas for our cars, we can’t pay our rent, we aren’t recognized for our talents, we can’t get a job that pays enough to afford to even get there each day, we can’t make our significant others love us.

Why can’t we just be upset at the fact that we have no control over the universe in which we live, that all we can do is decide if we will live through the day with the other option being to slit our wrist and end it all? I mean, really… why can’t be just be ‘not happy’ about that. I mean really, doesn’t it all just make you want to jump up and down and do a frigg’n jig…

Okay, on that note, perhaps, feeling THAT sad should be addressed—vented—let out and reviewed. Maybe even put in another perspective. Perhaps, we should dig deep inside to a higher place and say, okay, so we can’t pay our bills today, let’s call and make some arrangements, we can’t buy gas, let’s walk, we can’t pay rent, well, the stars are lovely at night and I never really gave camping a fair shake… as for love, it STINKS anyway.

I mean, there are bright sides to everything if we just really reach in there. No, please don’t respond to this blog with a prayer or suggestion that I do so… that’s the assumption that I don’t. How rude to assume that. How rude and simple minded to feel that just because I pray I should never be sad! If I was never to have that emotion is to actually deny God the intelligence of my design. I was designed with the ability to be sad therefore… let me be that. Being sad often brings me in touch with my spirituality which in turn brings me closer to my maker so please… this isn’t a time to tell me to pray or to pray for me…

I have to add, that I really don’t like when you tell someone your problem and they say ‘just give it to God’. When they say that, why not just be real and add, ‘because I really don’t give a damn’… because that’s what they're saying.

Because how do you know that I didn’t already get on my knees and pray with bitter tears following. How do you know that I wasn’t baying towards the heavens in a beseeching fashion just moments ago. How do you know that I didn’t pray all night and this morning God sent me YOU…

Anyway… enough of that tangent…

I’m not happy today. Not as happy as I’d like to be. I’ve promised to be perky all month and I’m doing the best I can, but today, its taking a bit more than I planned to stay in a good, sweet, lovely place. Thank goodness for the ability to write, to see my gut on the page. It helps… man it helps. It helps because I don’t give myself a bunch of clichés. I just write it and read it, laugh and move on to something more…

…oh shinny.

It’s just a day! It’s 24 frigg’n hours… maybe less if I have a drink. Dang… I don’t need medication… today! I need some money, something good to eat, a trip to the coast, a hug, a kiss, a new wig…

…it’s not the end of the world that I’m not happy today and well, it’s not a crime that I don’t want to keep all this inside.

I’m just venting… as I do sometimes… because I can…and you’re reading it… because you want to.